Six years ago, I made the difficult choice to go “no contact” with my mom. Those who have wrestled with navigating toxic and abusive family relationships know how hard it can be to step away. It’s easy to fall back into accepting the “known” toxic behavior of someone close to you when it’s familiar. It’s even harder to step into the “unknown” place of healing- especially if you’re doing it alone. That journey to healing not only takes work, but it’s also accepting and recognizing that not everyone will understand or support your decision. Choosing to create space in a toxic relationship entails a slow re-wiring of how you view relationships, God’s love, and how you interact with others.
For many who have chosen to step away from an unhealthy family relationship, the decision wasn’t made flippantly or lightly. That decision was made after years (if not a lifetime) of trying to make an unhealthy or toxic relationship work. And while we may love and care for that family member and understand that he/she is made in the image of God, it doesn’t mean there’s no accountability for toxic and destructive behavior. When we seek God for healing in our relationships, He will lead us to the truth about who to hold closest to us.
And while that healing may not look like a restored relationship, it can look like a changed understanding of what healthy and life-giving relationships look like moving forward. Jesus came to set us free from the lies and false beliefs we’ve accepted about ourselves, whether those beliefs were ingrained since birth or absorbed over time from our environment. When we turn our brokenness over to our Creator, He will begin to show us what true love looks like- both for ourselves and for others.
With that said, here are three things you may not expect when stepping away from a toxic relationship (both the good and the hard).
Initially stepping away from the relationship with my mother, I was naïve to think that everyone would understand and support me in that decision. But the truth is, not everyone is going to understand or support your decision when stepping away from a toxic relative.
Oftentimes, individuals who haven’t done the self-reflective work to navigate their own trauma or past issues won’t comprehend why you are choosing to create healthy boundaries in a relationship. Instead, some will project their own fears, insecurities, or pass judgment onto your decision without fully understanding the toxicity of your situation. They may care more about upholding a false image of what they believe a relationship should look like rather than doing the inner work to attract, keep, and maintain healthy relationships. But as Jesus stated, the more we seek after Him, the more tension it will create in relationships where people aren’t seeking after Him (especially with family) (Matthew 10:34-37). And for those of us with children, who we keep close to us is important for setting an example to the next generation.
While it can feel like a sharp slap in the face to be shamed, judged, or ridiculed for your decision, know that you’re not alone. Creating space in toxic relationships doesn’t mean you’re a “bad person” or that something is wrong with you. It means you are finally seeking clarity and healing for yourself and for your future relationships. There’s nothing wrong with turning away from the noise and chaos to find peace and rest in God. We see Jesus do this continually- going to places away from people, choosing rest, and turning to God in quiet prayer in order to truly hear His voice (Luke 5:15-16, Mark 6:31-32, Mark 1:35). Jesus knew how to best use His time and Who to spend it with because He stayed in connection with the Father throughout each day. It’s important for us to stay close to God throughout our day so we know how to devote our time and who best to devote our time to.
As you draw closer to Christ, you may also be surprised how many people support you in your decision to create distance in an unhealthy relationship. And it may be people you didn’t even expect to come alongside you. I’ve had plenty of friends, family, and acquaintances over the last several years who have listened to understand and support me. Some of these people may not fully understand the dynamics of the relationship with my mother, but they recognize the choice I’ve made is between me and the Lord.
Many others have also opened up looking for someone who may understand what it’s like to navigate unhealthy family relationships. It’s validating knowing I’m not the only one struggling in this area. The Lord’s allowed me to share my experience with others to build up and encourage those seeking help, support, and validation in their experiences.
When you create space in a toxic relationship, you will begin to hear and respond to the inner voice you’ve shoved aside for so long. I remember feeling withdrawal-like symptoms to the constant drama and turmoil that often came when I interacted with my mother. The drama suddenly wasn’t there anymore, and it felt like something was wrong. My body and nervous system began changing, as I started realizing that drama and constant stress shouldn’t be the norm in healthy relationships.
When you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, it’s hard to fully see or understand who you are. Oftentimes, the parts of you the other person didn’t like, or had no interest in, were shamed or judged to where you felt insecure, or you changed who you were to fit their “ideal image” so that you could be “loved” and “accepted”. Over time, you turned off listening to your inner voice because you assumed you were always wrong and this person knew best. You lost yourself along the way, or you never fully stepped into the person God created you to be. For some, this resulted in people-pleasing, crippling indecision, or anxiety as an adult.
Creating space to find your own voice is important. When you initiate going to God’s Word, you will begin to see who you are. You’ll start showing up as your true self and not who someone else wants you to be. This isn’t something miraculous that happens overnight- it takes time. And it’s important to remain patient and gracious toward yourself in the process of healing.
Years later, I am still grieving the lost relationship with my mother. That initial grief looked like a lot of crying, doubt, fears, and emotional dis-regulation. But now, my grief has turned to sadness with a strange inner peace and acceptance. I’ve had to accept my mom for who she is and not who I need(ed) her to be for all these years. I still love her and desire what’s best for her, but I cannot keep her close.
When we turn over our relationships to the Lord, He will bring to light who we need to keep close and who we need to keep at a distance. Those unwilling to do any self-reflective work hold a spiritual blindness, unwillingness, or inability to see that their hearts are hardened toward their toxic behavior. And ultimately, their hearts are hardened toward God. These individuals are unrepentant and unwilling to address the harm they’ve caused or continue to cause others, and they are unwilling to make healthy changes. They see their toxic behavior as something that needs to be accepted by others (as a part of their identity) rather than something they need to work on and change. This ultimately brings grief to the relationship.
In the end, it’s not one person’s job to try and be the “savior” in the relationship- only Jesus can do that. And it takes a humble, softened heart to make room for Him to do the necessary work.
Yet, while there’s still grief, there’s even more hope. Our hope is not tied to who we are within our family or any other earthly title, our hope is tied to Christ. When we put our trust in Jesus, we understand that ultimately, God works everything together for the good of those who love Him. And while we may not be able to see the full scope of our hardships or where these toxic familial relationships will end up, we can trust in a God who is Love. He left heaven for us, died for us, and rose from the grave so that we could be reconciled to Him. He cares for us and desires to walk with us amidst the chaos of difficult relationships. He is the true Healer and Restorer for our broken hearts.
Does Going “No Contact” with a Parent Mean I’m Sinning?
Shaneen Megji: What the Bible REALLY SAYS About Going No-Contact with Someone
Dr. Alison Cook, “The Best of You” Podcast Episode 110: How to Be Wise When People Are Difficult—Biblical Strategies For Keeping Your Emotional Health & Mental Sanity
August has been a busy month for our family. I battled two different illnesses, we had a family camping trip, and my husband and I were able to get away for an overnight. We celebrate 13 years of marriage in September!
My kids are now happily back in school (yes, they love it!), and we’re enjoying a more consistent routine at home. I look forward to more days focusing on writing and getting back to book writing. Thanks for your prayers and support on this journey. You can support me by subscribing to the blog and following me on Instagram: @AmberJohnsonFishFullLife
Keeping seeking the Lord in your health and relationships!
Photo by Pierre Jeanneret on Unsplash
The post Going “No Contact” with a Parent as a Christian: What You May Not Expect (The Good & The Hard) appeared first on Fish Full Life.
For many who have chosen to step away from an unhealthy family relationship, the decision wasn’t made flippantly or lightly. That decision was made after years (if not a lifetime) of trying to make an unhealthy or toxic relationship work. And while we may love and care for that family member and understand that he/she is made in the image of God, it doesn’t mean there’s no accountability for toxic and destructive behavior. When we seek God for healing in our relationships, He will lead us to the truth about who to hold closest to us.
And while that healing may not look like a restored relationship, it can look like a changed understanding of what healthy and life-giving relationships look like moving forward. Jesus came to set us free from the lies and false beliefs we’ve accepted about ourselves, whether those beliefs were ingrained since birth or absorbed over time from our environment. When we turn our brokenness over to our Creator, He will begin to show us what true love looks like- both for ourselves and for others.
With that said, here are three things you may not expect when stepping away from a toxic relationship (both the good and the hard).
Some People Will Never Understand or Support Your Decision
Initially stepping away from the relationship with my mother, I was naïve to think that everyone would understand and support me in that decision. But the truth is, not everyone is going to understand or support your decision when stepping away from a toxic relative.
Oftentimes, individuals who haven’t done the self-reflective work to navigate their own trauma or past issues won’t comprehend why you are choosing to create healthy boundaries in a relationship. Instead, some will project their own fears, insecurities, or pass judgment onto your decision without fully understanding the toxicity of your situation. They may care more about upholding a false image of what they believe a relationship should look like rather than doing the inner work to attract, keep, and maintain healthy relationships. But as Jesus stated, the more we seek after Him, the more tension it will create in relationships where people aren’t seeking after Him (especially with family) (Matthew 10:34-37). And for those of us with children, who we keep close to us is important for setting an example to the next generation.
While it can feel like a sharp slap in the face to be shamed, judged, or ridiculed for your decision, know that you’re not alone. Creating space in toxic relationships doesn’t mean you’re a “bad person” or that something is wrong with you. It means you are finally seeking clarity and healing for yourself and for your future relationships. There’s nothing wrong with turning away from the noise and chaos to find peace and rest in God. We see Jesus do this continually- going to places away from people, choosing rest, and turning to God in quiet prayer in order to truly hear His voice (Luke 5:15-16, Mark 6:31-32, Mark 1:35). Jesus knew how to best use His time and Who to spend it with because He stayed in connection with the Father throughout each day. It’s important for us to stay close to God throughout our day so we know how to devote our time and who best to devote our time to.
As you draw closer to Christ, you may also be surprised how many people support you in your decision to create distance in an unhealthy relationship. And it may be people you didn’t even expect to come alongside you. I’ve had plenty of friends, family, and acquaintances over the last several years who have listened to understand and support me. Some of these people may not fully understand the dynamics of the relationship with my mother, but they recognize the choice I’ve made is between me and the Lord.
Many others have also opened up looking for someone who may understand what it’s like to navigate unhealthy family relationships. It’s validating knowing I’m not the only one struggling in this area. The Lord’s allowed me to share my experience with others to build up and encourage those seeking help, support, and validation in their experiences.
You Will Begin to Discover Who You Truly Are
When you create space in a toxic relationship, you will begin to hear and respond to the inner voice you’ve shoved aside for so long. I remember feeling withdrawal-like symptoms to the constant drama and turmoil that often came when I interacted with my mother. The drama suddenly wasn’t there anymore, and it felt like something was wrong. My body and nervous system began changing, as I started realizing that drama and constant stress shouldn’t be the norm in healthy relationships.
When you are in a toxic or abusive relationship, it’s hard to fully see or understand who you are. Oftentimes, the parts of you the other person didn’t like, or had no interest in, were shamed or judged to where you felt insecure, or you changed who you were to fit their “ideal image” so that you could be “loved” and “accepted”. Over time, you turned off listening to your inner voice because you assumed you were always wrong and this person knew best. You lost yourself along the way, or you never fully stepped into the person God created you to be. For some, this resulted in people-pleasing, crippling indecision, or anxiety as an adult.
Creating space to find your own voice is important. When you initiate going to God’s Word, you will begin to see who you are. You’ll start showing up as your true self and not who someone else wants you to be. This isn’t something miraculous that happens overnight- it takes time. And it’s important to remain patient and gracious toward yourself in the process of healing.
You Will Still Grieve
Years later, I am still grieving the lost relationship with my mother. That initial grief looked like a lot of crying, doubt, fears, and emotional dis-regulation. But now, my grief has turned to sadness with a strange inner peace and acceptance. I’ve had to accept my mom for who she is and not who I need(ed) her to be for all these years. I still love her and desire what’s best for her, but I cannot keep her close.
When we turn over our relationships to the Lord, He will bring to light who we need to keep close and who we need to keep at a distance. Those unwilling to do any self-reflective work hold a spiritual blindness, unwillingness, or inability to see that their hearts are hardened toward their toxic behavior. And ultimately, their hearts are hardened toward God. These individuals are unrepentant and unwilling to address the harm they’ve caused or continue to cause others, and they are unwilling to make healthy changes. They see their toxic behavior as something that needs to be accepted by others (as a part of their identity) rather than something they need to work on and change. This ultimately brings grief to the relationship.
In the end, it’s not one person’s job to try and be the “savior” in the relationship- only Jesus can do that. And it takes a humble, softened heart to make room for Him to do the necessary work.
Yet, while there’s still grief, there’s even more hope. Our hope is not tied to who we are within our family or any other earthly title, our hope is tied to Christ. When we put our trust in Jesus, we understand that ultimately, God works everything together for the good of those who love Him. And while we may not be able to see the full scope of our hardships or where these toxic familial relationships will end up, we can trust in a God who is Love. He left heaven for us, died for us, and rose from the grave so that we could be reconciled to Him. He cares for us and desires to walk with us amidst the chaos of difficult relationships. He is the true Healer and Restorer for our broken hearts.
Additional Resources for Navigating Toxic Relationships:
Does Going “No Contact” with a Parent Mean I’m Sinning?
Shaneen Megji: What the Bible REALLY SAYS About Going No-Contact with Someone
Dr. Alison Cook, “The Best of You” Podcast Episode 110: How to Be Wise When People Are Difficult—Biblical Strategies For Keeping Your Emotional Health & Mental Sanity
Life Update:
August has been a busy month for our family. I battled two different illnesses, we had a family camping trip, and my husband and I were able to get away for an overnight. We celebrate 13 years of marriage in September!
My kids are now happily back in school (yes, they love it!), and we’re enjoying a more consistent routine at home. I look forward to more days focusing on writing and getting back to book writing. Thanks for your prayers and support on this journey. You can support me by subscribing to the blog and following me on Instagram: @AmberJohnsonFishFullLife
Keeping seeking the Lord in your health and relationships!
Photo by Pierre Jeanneret on Unsplash
The post Going “No Contact” with a Parent as a Christian: What You May Not Expect (The Good & The Hard) appeared first on Fish Full Life.